Want to know about me?
This is the short version:
I am 33.
I love Jesus.
I love my husband and daughters more than anything.
I love art & photography.
I love music & passion.
This is the long version:
I grew up in San Diego until I was 16. I had gotten into trouble as a teenager and my parents heard clearly from God and moved us to Las Vegas, Nevada, where I would be home-schooled the remainder of high school. I graduated on time and made some really great life-long friends there but my heart was always in San Diego.
I met a guy when I was 18 and decided that I would get him. From the start he was arrogant and disrespectful. For some reason I found this attractive. The period of time we dated was quick and tumultuous. We would fight for hours on end, he would yell at me at the top of his lungs. In public, in private, he didn't care. What a catch.
He proposed to me on my 19th birthday and I said yes. Because I was that stupid. On our wedding day a few months later, right before walking me down the aisle, my dad gestured to the church's back door and asked me if I was sure. That if I wanted to walk out that door no questions would be asked. The only time I cried was when my dad sang Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful To Me" to me. In our limo on the way to our honeymoon suite, I saw my mom's "Something Blue", a blue piece of fabric sewed on the inside of my dress with "Girlie of My Dreams" written on it. I started bawling.
The day we returned from our arguing-filled honeymoon I sat on the floor of our house and cried until I couldn't breathe. I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life.
The marriage was a living nightmare. I had never felt so beat down. He was a rage-o-holic and would go from zero to seeing red in 1 second. It wouldn't take much to set him off. He was controlling and angry. He was verbally and emotionally abusive. He kicked holes in our car door, broke our closet, dishes, punched holes in walls...it was scary. I used to drive to work and pray that God would let me get into an accident.
(you can read my actual diary entries from that marriage here)
The bright spot was when I accidentally got pregnant. I finally had something to live for! Sadly the baby didn't make it and I had a miscarriage. I thought my world was going to cave in. I felt like I was drowning in grief and sorrow.
Eventually he ended up joining a cult and our marriage crumbled into a billion unrepairable pieces. We divorced.
I dated a few guys but still felt like I was floating around, listless and hopeless. I lost my precious grandpa March 21, 2004 and I thought life was over. What was I to do without my grandpa? It hit me so hard because I had been through so much emotional trauma and I didn't know where to turn.
But somehow I knew God was there. He hadn't left me.
A month Brett visited me in Las Vegas and our souls connected. He was the male version of me. I had never felt so much love from someone. To this day he still treats me like a queen.
We got married in 2006 and got pregnant in 2008. We lost that baby and I fought a fierce tug-of-war battle with hopefulness and hopelessness.
It was over half a year before we were touched by God and able to conceive again.
My pregnancy was amazing and we now have the greatest human being on earth.
September 2012 we found out we were pregnant. Sadly, in October, two weeks before my birthday, we found that lost this baby too. For the first time in my life I understand the "peace that passes understanding". I feel like God wrapped His arms around me and whispered softly to me throughout this entire time.
September 2013, a little over two weeks before my 33rd birthday, we gave birth to our second miraculous baby girl, Mabel.
God is so good and so faithful.
If you're reading this and need a dose of hope, please never give up. Please keep trusting in Him and His plan for your life! If you need prayer for anything, shoot me an email at iamsarahssmile(at)gmail.com. I don't have answers for everything but I know God loves you and wants you to know His perfect love!
-Sarah
