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Somber.

This morning I had a doctor appointment. I was prepared to come back home and blog some really exciting news. We were over 8 weeks pregnant. I wanted to post the ultrasound picture and document our happiness.
Instead, we had an ultrasound and found that although my uterus is over 8 weeks big and there is a yolk sac inside, there was no baby. That means however long ago, for some reason the cells that created the baby stopped dividing. My body never got the memo.
So I still feel pregnant. I still am growing. There is no baby.
I just have to wait for my body to realize it's empty and then I will probably have to have another D&C.
It is heartbreaking.
This is my third miscarriage.
Never ever in my life did I think I would have THREE miscarriages.
I am having a very difficult time wrapping my head around this.
Especially because 2 weeks before we found out I was pregnant, Neely drew a picture. It was "Mama, Dada, Neely and the baby in your tummy." I can't understand why she would have known I was pregnant if it was just going to die.

My 32nd birthday is October 17th.
This is the absolute worst birthday gift I've ever received.

I know that this is a perfect opportunity for me to just trust God and put all of the things I've learned while reading One Thousand Gifts to a test, but I need time.
I need time to be angry (not with God, God is always good. Angry with the situation.) and all the meanwhile tell myself that God knows.
He knows.
He knows.
He knows.

28 comments:

  1. Sarah, I am so sorry to hear that news. I know that there isn't anything anyone can say that will make the pain go away. I had a really rough year too and found myself thinking I was in sin for being like a rollercoaster, angry one minute and hopeful the next...then angry again. Then I read Hosea and realized that God did the same thing. He went back and forth between his great anger and his great love and it made me understand that it was okay to feel the way I was feeling. It takes time to heal. You are right, God knows. I will be praying for you and your amazing family and believing that Neely's drawing will become a reality soon.

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  2. I am so incredibly sorry, Sarah. Words are not sufficient. But my heart cries for you.

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  3. I am so incredibly sorry, Sarah. Words are not sufficient. But my heart cries for you.

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  4. Im so sorry for you and your family Sarah. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers. Xoxo

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  5. Im so sorry for you and your family Sarah. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers. Xoxo

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  6. Sarah, my heart breaks for you, Brett and Neely! I know all too well the pain that comes with losing a pregnancy, we had four before Ava. Words are of little help during this time of grieving, but know you are surrounded by love, and support. Xoxoxo - Melissa V.

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    1. Thank you for this and for your FB message. <3

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  7. Oh my goodness Sarah! I can't believe it. There are no words. Just know you and Neely and Brett are in my prayers. Take time to acknowledge your grief and give yourself extra love. It's ok to feel like crap. Wish I could give you a giant hug. Sending a virtual one instead.

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  8. Dawn will break from this dark night and illuminate the gifts you have been blessed with in Brett and Neely. We may never understand the midnight hours in our lives, but that's why they call it Faith. We love you and are praying for you all.

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    1. Beautifully written by someone who has lived through many midnight hours. Thank you for your kind words.

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  9. Sarah, I don't always know why God does things, but I just want to say what an amazing women of faith you are to say God is good even when you are hurting. I know that one day we will understand, when we are in his presence and how greatly he will reward you for your unwaivering faithfullness and gratitude. I love you Sarah and though I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, I will always be here to listen and support you.

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  10. Oh Sarah, my heart breaks for your family. I never understand why bad things happen to good people. It seems you have an amazing support system though. With thier love and comfort, I hope you can find some peace.

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  11. Yuni and I are heart broken for you Sarah. This is a torturous thing to have to suffer for you. You and Brett be strong and hold onto each other through this, and you have love and support from everyone who knows you and is holding you in their prayers.

    We're so sorry for your loss.

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  12. Ah sweet Sarah, my heart goes out to you. Horrible times, big hugs for you and yours XxX

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  13. Love you sis...that is all I can say.

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  14. Sarah, I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. Life is absolutely not fair sometimes. It is so hard to make sense of these things. I pray that you have peace in your heart and faith that someday soon you will be a family of four. Love and hugs.

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