This morning I had a doctor appointment. I was prepared to come back home and blog some really exciting news. We were over 8 weeks pregnant. I wanted to post the ultrasound picture and document our happiness.
Instead, we had an ultrasound and found that although my uterus is over 8 weeks big and there is a yolk sac inside, there was no baby. That means however long ago, for some reason the cells that created the baby stopped dividing. My body never got the memo.
So I still feel pregnant. I still am growing. There is no baby.
I just have to wait for my body to realize it's empty and then I will probably have to have another D&C.
It is heartbreaking.
This is my third miscarriage.
Never ever in my life did I think I would have THREE miscarriages.
I am having a very difficult time wrapping my head around this.
Especially because 2 weeks before we found out I was pregnant, Neely drew a picture. It was "Mama, Dada, Neely and the baby in your tummy." I can't understand why she would have known I was pregnant if it was just going to die.
My 32nd birthday is October 17th.
This is the absolute worst birthday gift I've ever received.
I know that this is a perfect opportunity for me to just trust God and put all of the things I've learned while reading One Thousand Gifts to a test, but I need time.
I need time to be angry (not with God, God is always good. Angry with the situation.) and all the meanwhile tell myself that God knows.