On Grief

The past few weeks of my life have been incredibly difficult.
I watched my grandma die.
I didn't watch her take her last breath, but I watched her die all the same.

Handling grief when you have an extremely smart and aware toddler is interesting. You can't just fall apart whenever you want. You can't collapse into a sobbing heap in front of them. Toddlers do not need to be exposed to that kind of emotion.

My grieving process began before my grandma actually died. I grieved over her every day while I was in Las Vegas. My grief was limited to my morning shower (while Neely was in her playpen in another room) and to solo car rides. I would cry so hard I felt my eyes would pop out of my head. I cried so hard I couldn't see while driving. I would cry so hard my face would be swollen all day.  I'm pretty sure that week and a half aged me several years.
I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life.
Then she died and...nothing.
Well, there were some tears but not a ton. I guess that's what happens when you've already cried daily for two weeks.

Now I'm back home and trying to go about my business as usual. But I will get these random "I'll never" or "she'll never" thoughts. Thoughts like "She'll never again be my pen pal," "I'll never again get kissed by her," etc. And I wince and push the sadness down. I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the deluge to commence.

Her funeral is on the 4th.

I am basically writing this to say, I am sad. I am terribly sad and as Christmas draws near I will probably be more sad.
I will act happy. I will be smiling and seem normal.
Don't mistake my act for thinking I'm no longer sad.

My grandma left a giant hole in my life and it will take some time to recover.

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