The first week was tough but you know what?
I am okay.
I am better than okay.
I have really tried to be deliberate in my thoughts and words (spoken & written).
When I began One Thousand Gifts somehow I had an inkling that another miscarriage was in my future. I always brushed it away, but here we are. This book is life-changing. My life has been changed.
With my last two I was desolate and all I did was ask God "why?" and sob and question over and over. Which I think is normal. And God was merciful to me. He never got impatient, He was never upset over my questions. He wrapped me up in His arms and never let go.
Page 172 of One Thousand Gifts has the "theme" if you will, of this current pregnancy loss (emphasis added is my own).
The quiet song of gratitude, eucharisteo, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give.The last several words have resonated with me since I read them months ago.
In the past I have only wanted the good God gives and not the bad. Every single time something bad happened I questioned and basically had a tantrum.
I have come to realize that God is good. He's more than good, He is great. And it grieves me to think that anyone for even one second doubted His goodness because of what has happened to us.
I have no answers, I don't know why some women get to have healthy pregnancies and more often than not I don't. I don't know why this has happened to me. And you know what? It really doesn't matter. Think about it. Even if I had the answers what would it change? It happened.
What matters is that I know and trust that God is in control.
And I trust Him. With all of my heart.
Not long after I posted this entry I was covered in peace. I thought it was just a stage of grief like denial, but no. This is peace that comes from God.
With that peace I don't have any answers, only assurance.
Assurance that I am well loved, no matter what.
I am happy and have so many wonderful blessings in my life. I honestly can't complain.
God is good!