This is my 5th pregnancy.
Miscarriage- 2001
Miscarriage- 2008
Neely- 2010
Miscarriage- 2012
Pregnancy- 2013...?
The truth about my fifth pregnancy is that I'm terrified. Being the good Christian girl that I am, I know that God loves me and I can trust Him. But that doesn't mean that I'll be able to carry this pregnancy. Loving God and following Him does not provide any guarantees. Trust me, I wish it did. Oh, how I wish that.
The past several (fiveish) days my lower back has hurt. It's not from anything physical I've been doing; I've been taking it easy. Because of my past I associate back pain with miscarriage.
The past two days I haven't had a lick of nausea. I've tried to will it, pray it, speak it into me but no.
Today I feel like my breasts are less sore.
I am scared.
I already saw this baby's heartbeat, already heard the beautiful sound. I already have a huge connection to it. I have already daydreamed about snuggling it in October, bought some summer maternity tanks on sale, maternity jeans on sale, imagined my pregnant summer lounging at the beach...
I'm afraid it's all going to end.
Miscarriage has stolen my joy and I can't ever get it back.
It breaks my heart to write that but it's true.
I've tried, oh how I've tried, to think and speak positive.
I've tried to push these scared negative thoughts out of my head.
It doesn't work.
My body gives me signs and I hope against hope that I'm misinterpreting and that this time will be different.
Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks pregnant.
My appointment isn't until March 12th.
Pray for me.
Hoping and holding my breath for you.
ReplyDeletehoping everything is fine for you.
ReplyDeleteI so hope this time is different for you as well!
ReplyDeletethinking about you & hoping everything turns out well. you deserve to get a little bit more joy back with this baby!
ReplyDeleteI hope and pray that you have peace in these early weeks, and that baby can feel that peace as well. Maybe you're just having a really nice first trimester! Also, I think if you're worried, and your back pain continues, you should see the doctor just to give you some peace of mind. They take every concern seriously. OR, maybe one of those machines where you can listen to the heartbeat yourself might help make you feel better between appointments.
ReplyDelete