Quiet Thoughts

Blogging seems to help me get things into perspective. I apologize in advance if there are several redundant blogs.

So yesterday I was covered in peace. The kind of peace that comes from so many people praying for me.

Thank you all so much for reading this blog and for commenting and for your prayers. Each kind word on the blog, Facebook or Instagram have been like a soothing balm to this deep wound (I'm not sure how deep it is yet...).

The thing is that yesterday we began this heartbreaking journey, yet we have no idea when things will start to happen in my body.
With my other two, spotting occurred or at least we saw a baby with no heartbeat.

Lots of people have encouraged me to get my HCG levels tested and to wait and see because maybe my dates were off. They weren't off. And I wouldn't be surprised if my levels kept going up because my body still thinks I'm pregnant.
For how long will this go on? I don't want my uterus to grow, I don't want to have any more symptoms.  I want these things out of my body and I want to be empty.
(I mean...I really want to be full of baby but clearly that's not happening.)

Even if you've had one loss you can't fathom three.
Three is crazy.
And the doctor offered no testing.

Things I've read say I need a fertility doctor at this point because something is not right.

I can't imagine getting pregnant again and losing another one.
I couldn't imagine number two and I certainly didn't think a third one would be possible.

I really want to shout and cry and yell and ask WHY GOD?!?!?!
But I can't.
For some reason He has allowed this devastation to visit me three times.
I personally feel it's too much, but I know nothing.
What if there is a 4th time?

I'm not getting younger.

My plan is to start running again, but running like crazy. Now that I have no baby to be concerned about (September was a joke, I only ran 8.95 miles because I was paranoid.) I need to up my mileage.
I need things to focus on. I need to have a plan.

Do I try and get pregnant again? The thought of that is exhausting. It's so much work.

And yes, I realize that some people have much bigger problems. But there are so many people popping out healthy babies left and right and they don't even want to be a parent. We planned for this baby. We were trying. We wanted Neely to be around 3 years older and I wanted to be 32.
Now there is no way I'll be 32 and have a baby.
Ugh.

I'm sure the next blog will be more positive...I think I'm going through the stages of grief.

One more thing...I have no idea how to act. So, if you see me and I'm smiling and laughing please don't assume I am okay. I just have no idea how to be. And I have to be "up" around Neely because it isn't fair to her if I'm sad or down.
Just know that I'm taking it one minute at a time and also, I'm not someone who ever cries in front of people.

I just wish I was with my parents and best friend.