Mothering

There are times throughout the days where I find my feet dragging and my head cloudy. I heard it best described by Ann Voskamp as being "mother-tired". So often I am mother-tired. When the dishes are constant and the laundry is on the bed, clean but never folded, the dogs need walking and my girl's imagination needs me to play with her. The groceries need putting away, dinner needs preparation, walks need to be taken, housework glares at me.
And yet.
I feel such a tenderness for these things. For her bath toys stacked up in the bathtub, for the silverware thrown into the drawer because she was helping daddy, for her shoes to be strewn about the house. Even for my laundry. A perfect mix of his, hers and mine.
I am so grateful that I was chosen to be her mother.
I am her beacon, I am her safe place.
It takes my breath away.
Each morning I wake up excited, yes excited (no matter how early it is), to see her. I can't wait to hear her words and to marvel at her imagination.
Sometimes she will grab my face and stare into my eyes and kiss me. Even thinking about that makes my heart tremble a bit.
My entire life I wanted to be a mother and I didn't think I would be able to. I don't know why I thought that, but I did.
And now. Now I am living out my deepest desire and my life feels like one giant prize.
The wonder of motherhood covers all of the struggles.
The absolute pure joy I feel when being with her makes the mundane daily tasks seem okay.
She is my favorite and I am so incredibly in awe that I was chosen to be her mother.

| writing |

They say to write what you know but most of the stuff I know is not very interesting or useful.

• I can tell you how to survive a bad terribly damaging and abusive (not physically) marriage (get divorced).
• I can tell you how to survive a divorce (get an eating disorder, make out with really nice guys).
• I can tell you how to survive having really shitty (sorry but that's what they were) friends after your divorce (bask in your loneliness, listen to and feel your favorite music, write until your hand cramps, try not to kill yourself).
• I can tell you how to become an artist (date a boy who is an artist, build confidence from his compliments, never stop creating).
• I can tell you how to survive your grandpa's death (take sleeping pills for so many consecutive nights you can't remember how to fall asleep without them, try not to take all of the pills at once).
• I can tell you how to fall in love with your soul mate (be cool, be open, don't be dramatic, don't have sex before you get married).
• I can tell you how to move away from your parents, family and best friend, only knowing one person in the new place (write lots, call lots, visit lots, eventually you get used to it).
• I can tell you how to survive two miscarriages (breathe in and out, hate all pregnant women, drink lots of wine, paint your feelings).
• I can tell you how to get pregnant after being seemingly unable to (go to church and get prayed for).
• I can tell you how amazing motherhood is.
• I can tell you that if you think being a stay at home mom is boring you're doing it wrong.

I can tell you that even before posting this I feel so much judgement. This is real. This is me. This is how I made it to where I am today.
I can tell you that writing this list has made me realize there is so much more that I haven't listed here. So many things that have shaped me and affected me. So much negative, so much positive.
But I can't seem to see where the story in this would be. I'll keep thinking and trying.

Monday

I haven't posted in a while because I can't think of anything to post.
I don't want to pour my guts out to (almost) silence like this post. Not that I post for comments (obviously, or I would have quit long ago) but when someone is honest and writing of things that were damaging to them it's nice to have support. Isn't that what the blogging community is all about? Support?

Lately I've been trying to disconnect from the internet more.
I have noticed that I'm constantly checking Facebook on my phone so I deleted it from my phone. It used to be that I would get so many notifications throughout the day so I'd be glued to my phone and away from Neely, if only momentarily. I hated that. So I deleted it and I only check it on my computer.
I want to be in the moment more and not take anything for granted. Life is so short and you don't know how many precious moments you'll be given with your child. (this moment brought to you by this movie.)
I was at the park the other day with Neely and I saw a mom with her iPad and iPhone. Her daughter ran up to her, said something excitedly, and the mom did not look up from her technology for a good 10 seconds after she spoke. I thought it was pretty ridiculous.
I long and ache for the days when it was normal for moms to stay at home, normal for girls to want to grow up and be moms, no technology and tons of family time. I wish I lived in the 40's. I guess I just wasn't made for these times. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I want to elaborate but it'll be at a later date.
I think I've blogged about this song before, but...it physically hurts me because I love it so much. I listen to it and dream about living when Helen Forrest was on the radio. I recently joined Spotify so that I could make a giant 40's music playlist. It's amazing.

The Plague

So remember how in this post I mentioned that Neely had a fever but was better?
W R O N G!!!
Her fever was caused by The Plague!
Well, not really, but it looked like The Plague!
Somehow Neely got the dreaded Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease! It started with a sore on her butt which I figured was caused by her fever. The next day she developed sores on her hands, feet and, you guessed it, mouth. It turns out that her fever was caused by HFMD. Just in case you haven't been graced with its presence, there is nothing a doctor can do about it, you just have to ride it out.
So anyway. Yes. She developed sores. And when I say sores, I mean it in all its implied grossidity. (I know that's not a word, but you know what I mean!) They were red and some of them were red with white tips. Kind of like zits. Gross.
Luckily she didn't seem to be in any pain from them...we just quarantined her to our house.
and to Target where she touched many many things but don't tell anyone.
You're supposed to steer clear of the infected person's sores but honestly? Can you resist your sweet sick baby gazing into your eyes, kissing your mouth then stroking your face? I can't. Usually adults don't get it so I probably have nothing to worry about. But even if I did get it, it's a small price to pay for kissing my Treasure.
She was sore-ridden for a few days but she had a great attitude.
Today she was much much better, thank God.
Tomorrow it seems like she'll be safe to go into public again! Hurray!

We survived!

Also this past weekend my best friend came to town to get her hair done and to celebrate my birthday early since she'll be in New York in a couple weeks (lucky!)!
She treated me to lunch and to my first pedicure in a year.
I know this is such an obnoxious first world problem, but something is wrong when Sarah goes an entire year without one pedicure. I mean, I am my mother's daughter! This is not right!
It was so perfect to spend time with Lulu. She's so loving and generous. And Neely adores her.
So yay for pedis and here's hoping it's not another year until I get another one!

Anything interesting happen in your weekend?

Fall(ing)

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Every year I do the same dance with my emotions.
Wildly ecstatic that fall has arrived, expectations for my birthday, longing to feel the first morning chill,
Then suddenly,
Falling down a hole, the air is cold and crisp, it taunts me. I long for warmth, I long for the sunshine.
I get sad.
Every single year.
It started back in these days.
I used to lay on my bed and stare out the window. I would hear wind, dogs barking, the last lawn mower starting up, and long for San Diego. I longed for anything else.
Then after the divorce I lived with my cousin. I basically lived alone. I made myself alone.
When fall came around I lay in my bed with my window open.
I was skeletal from not eating and I was trying to disappear.
I would feel the burning cold wash over my body and I wouldn't let myself cry.
Still. Just be still I reminded myself, over and over.
I began then a habit I still have.
I would lay as still as possible and allow life to wash over me.
The sadness, the fears, the hope.
This season Fall, and I are intertwined for all time. I was born in this season, I am this season.
This year I will not allow myself to fall as far as I usually do.
I will be still, observant to the glorious wonders that are earth, people, nature, God.
But I won't dip into the depression again.
I may have to reference these words once November arrives, but for now, October, I love you. I love you Fall. I love the icon on my screen that says it's 57 degrees outside at 8:45am.
I will live this one.

Thankful

Friday through Sunday Brett, Neely and I were beach camping with 11 other friends. It was so so fun.
Since we've been back I have been continually feeling gratitude for all of the amazing people in my life.
I love my family so much.
I have a smoking hot husband who is CONSTANTLY encouraging me to follow my dreams. He is my heart and my best friend. He works harder than anyone I've ever known. He is obsessed with me and our daughter. He is funny and caring and strong and smart.
I have a mom who FLEW down here to watch our dogs while we were gone. She is so over the moon for Neely and she is the most compassionate, kind and generous person I know. If you know her, you are lucky to have her in your life.
My dad is constantly growing artistically, starting new amazing projects and takes time to call, visit and skype with us. He mentors several people and has changed so many lives.
My brother calls me several times a week and leaves me messages (because I suck and miss all of his calls) about how he loves and misses me.
My cousin calls me daily and nags me to call her back. When I do talk to her she doesn't lecture me on my phone phobia, she gets it. She loves and cares for me.
My best friend sent me a lovely text yesterday that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
I have so many friends that care about me, not just the "Neely's mom" part of me, but the true me, the art loving, photography obsessed me.
I have so many family members that pray for me and care about me.
I have an amazing church family that loves me even though I don't go to church every weekend.
I have met so many great friends online that care about me and encourage me.

I am so beyond blessed I can scarcely believe it!
Thank you, God!

Fall

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Maybe it's because coastal San Diego has been stingy with it's summer temperatures, but I am longing for the fall to get here!
Don't get me wrong, I love summer. I love the beach, I go most days of the week. I love barbequing, I love parties, I love camping, I love summer dresses and bikinis, I love it all.
But there is something about the fall that makes me ache. I can't shake the desire for crisp autumn weather. Even in the best part of the summer, the warm golden days that last forever, I have a tiny voice in my mind reminding me of autumn.
I love back-to-school displays at the store, I love sweaters and hats and boots. I love blankets and heaters and warm cozy mornings sipping coffee. I love my birthday and I love the togetherness of Thanksgiving.
Mostly I love the memories of neighborhood walks with Brett. Ever since we've lived here we have taken long walks and the season that sticks out in my mind is fall. We walk through neighborhoods and dream. We hold hands and admire landscapes. We breathe in the sharp cool air and marvel at the changing leaves (although San Diego has about three leaves that change color each year!). We laugh and kiss and enjoy each other. He walks with me because he knows it makes me happy. I walk with him because he is my heart, my favorite, my rock.
Each time the seasons change they symbolize more togetherness.
We go on.
I love him, I love him, I love him.



What about you? What is your favorite season and why?

Friday

Neely and I have been sick the past couple days (my mom came over and took care of us yesterday!!) but today we were feeling better. Here is our Friday, complete with a surprise visit from Brett, trip to our favorite junk store and quality time at the beach with GG & Papa.

These are the photos Neely will look back on in twenty years and smile about. She will be SO glad I take 50 pictures every day. 

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I had edited this to add something profound and it was 2 paragraphs but stupid firefox crashed (shocker) and I lost my stuff.
sad.

Hipstalife

On Friendship

I know how to be a friend to someone. Maybe not a bosom friend, but I am very encouraging and I make good jokes.
I have some great girlfriends in my life who I love.
I just feel like I am so surfacey when I talk to people. I am so tired all of the time I don't have the energy to make phone calls or have detailed conversations about my life.
Is that normal for a mom of a toddler?
What can I do to make myself more available emotionally to people other than Brett and my mom?
And more importantly, how do you cultivate friendships where people actually care what's going on in your life?