The Truth About My 5th Pregnancy.

This is my 5th pregnancy.
Miscarriage- 2001
Miscarriage- 2008
Neely- 2010
Miscarriage- 2012
Pregnancy- 2013...?

The truth about my fifth pregnancy is that I'm terrified. Being the good Christian girl that I am, I know that God loves me and I can trust Him. But that doesn't mean that I'll be able to carry this pregnancy. Loving God and following Him does not provide any guarantees. Trust me, I wish it did. Oh, how I wish that.
The past several (fiveish) days my lower back has hurt. It's not from anything physical I've been doing; I've been taking it easy. Because of my past I associate back pain with miscarriage.
The past two days I haven't had a lick of nausea. I've tried to will it, pray it, speak it into me but no.
Today I feel like my breasts are less sore.
I am scared.
I already saw this baby's heartbeat, already heard the beautiful sound. I already have a huge connection to it. I have already daydreamed about snuggling it in October, bought some summer maternity tanks on sale, maternity jeans on sale, imagined my pregnant summer lounging at the beach...
I'm afraid it's all going to end.

Miscarriage has stolen my joy and I can't ever get it back.
It breaks my heart to write that but it's true.
I've tried, oh how I've tried, to think and speak positive.
I've tried to push these scared negative thoughts out of my head.
It doesn't work.

My body gives me signs and I hope against hope that I'm misinterpreting and that this time will be different.

Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks pregnant.

My appointment isn't until March 12th.

Pray for me.

Progress

My computer desk sits against a wall with a window. Each time I sit down to type I can gaze outside into my backyard. There are two tall palm trees whose branches are swaying lazily in the breeze. It is a balmy sixty-seven degrees on this, the second day of November.
The sun is on its way down and the light is slowly turning golden. The way it illuminates the palm trees causes me to smile a small smile because how great this life is.
Today has been a day of laughter, smiles, heart-clenching with love for Brett & Neely, of rest and satisfaction.
Yesterday amongst seemingly constant pregnancy talk and pregnancy announcements I had a time of sadness.
All things do not work out the way I would like, in fact, it seems like since I began this journey of gratitude in place of questioning and mistrust, I have been challenged more than ever before.
The conversations had and pieces of information presented to me have been mentally exhausting. I feel like my brain is sore. Then I remember. When building muscles there is always soreness. My brain is used to a negative way of thinking and of course it is going to be sore at first. I must build up to positivity. Turn the fatty negative thoughts to strong positive ones.
While I was washing dishes yesterday I had to repeatedly tell myself not to give up. Not to let one hard day destroy all of the progress I have made in my thought patterns shifting.
I still, at times, feel as if I am wearing sadness, but instead of a cloak it is more like a light sweater.
Progress.

I will leave you with the latest entries in my gratitude journal:


580. My BDC girls making a list of nice things about me (printed and saved in my journal)
581. pink clouds in the sky at sunset
582. early morning texts with my mom
583. warm weather today
584. dinner was good last night
585. sunlight on the palm trees
586. Neely talking to the dogs in a high voice
587. the dogs worn out after our run and walk yesterday
588. Brett participating in Movember

three weeks (almost)

I cannot believe it's been almost three weeks since we found out we were no longer pregnant.
The first week was tough but you know what?
I am okay.
I am better than okay.

I have really tried to be deliberate in my thoughts and words (spoken & written).

When I began One Thousand Gifts somehow I had an inkling that another miscarriage was in my future. I always brushed it away, but here we are. This book is life-changing. My life has been changed.
With my last two I was desolate and all I did was ask God "why?" and sob and question over and over. Which I think is normal. And God was merciful to me. He never got impatient, He was never upset over my questions. He wrapped me up in His arms and never let go.

Page 172 of One Thousand Gifts has the "theme" if you will, of this current pregnancy loss (emphasis added is my own).

The quiet song of gratitude, eucharisteo, lures humility out of the shadows because to receive a gift the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give.

The last several words have resonated with me since I read them months ago.
In the past I have only wanted the good God gives and not the bad. Every single time something bad happened I questioned and basically had a tantrum.
I have come to realize that God is good. He's more than good, He is great. And it grieves me to think that anyone for even one second doubted His goodness because of what has happened to us.
I have no answers, I don't know why some women get to have healthy pregnancies and more often than not I don't. I don't know why this has happened to me. And you know what? It really doesn't matter. Think about it. Even if I had the answers what would it change? It happened.
What matters is that I know and trust that God is in control.
And I trust Him. With all of my heart.

Not long after I posted this entry I was covered in peace. I thought it was just a stage of grief like denial, but no. This is peace that comes from God.
With that peace I don't have any answers, only assurance.
Assurance that I am well loved, no matter what.

I am happy and have so many wonderful blessings in my life. I honestly can't complain.
God is good!

One Week

One week ago, at this exact time, we were walking through the doors of the doctor's office excited beyond words to see our little baby and finally tell everyone we were expecting. My due date was Mother's Day, May 12th. How cruel is that?
I asked my mom to please pray I'm pregnant by then or else it'll be difficult.
My last miscarriage's due date was the date my first miscarriage happened. What is up with that? Why all these significant dates?
Anyway... we all know what happened one week ago.


I know that out of the hundreds of people who read my blog entry, some must be wondering why I'm putting all of my business on the internet. I've been a h u g e believer in not putting too much personal emotional drama on Facebook. I know some people who only complain and complain about personal stuff and I hide them because it's so obnoxious. So my intent is not to be that guy.

I vehemently HATE the stigma attached to miscarriage. For some reason women feel embarrassed that it happened to them, embarrassed for telling everyone they were pregnant, embarrassed about it all. I hate that. Would you be embarrassed if your grandma died? No. Then why be embarrassed about a BABY living inside of your BODY dying??
People put EVERYTHING on Facebook, from fights with spouses or friends (1000% inappropriate) to passive-agressive digs at whomever. Yet, we aren't supposed to put anything that personal up?

THIS is why I put it out there. When I had my first one, I was alone in my pain and 8 other women at church were pregnant. No one really knew what to do or say, but little by little I heard secret stories of women who had gone through the same thing. With my second one I heard even more secret stories. And now with this one I think to myself, "Sheesh. Why should women only feel comfortable to "admit" they've suffered a loss of this magnitude when someone else has had the same experience?"

I don't want a secret society of bereaved women. I want to be a place where women can be loud and not ashamed of their loss(es). I want to be a stronger woman and  I want to know strong women who help and encourage each other, NOT secretly, to walk through this pain and sorrow and come out on the other side.

I fully believe that talking, being an open book about loss (no matter what kind of loss), is a key in the healing process. I've lost enough in my life to have proved this to be true.

Since 1988, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Specifically, October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you've been hiding in your sorrow, October 15th, next Monday, is a perfect day to put your story out there. It will set you free and you could inspire and help someone else! I really encourage you to write a special blog that day (here is mine from last year) and post it.

Be brave! Be strong! You are loved.

Quiet Thoughts

Blogging seems to help me get things into perspective. I apologize in advance if there are several redundant blogs.

So yesterday I was covered in peace. The kind of peace that comes from so many people praying for me.

Thank you all so much for reading this blog and for commenting and for your prayers. Each kind word on the blog, Facebook or Instagram have been like a soothing balm to this deep wound (I'm not sure how deep it is yet...).

The thing is that yesterday we began this heartbreaking journey, yet we have no idea when things will start to happen in my body.
With my other two, spotting occurred or at least we saw a baby with no heartbeat.

Lots of people have encouraged me to get my HCG levels tested and to wait and see because maybe my dates were off. They weren't off. And I wouldn't be surprised if my levels kept going up because my body still thinks I'm pregnant.
For how long will this go on? I don't want my uterus to grow, I don't want to have any more symptoms.  I want these things out of my body and I want to be empty.
(I mean...I really want to be full of baby but clearly that's not happening.)

Even if you've had one loss you can't fathom three.
Three is crazy.
And the doctor offered no testing.

Things I've read say I need a fertility doctor at this point because something is not right.

I can't imagine getting pregnant again and losing another one.
I couldn't imagine number two and I certainly didn't think a third one would be possible.

I really want to shout and cry and yell and ask WHY GOD?!?!?!
But I can't.
For some reason He has allowed this devastation to visit me three times.
I personally feel it's too much, but I know nothing.
What if there is a 4th time?

I'm not getting younger.

My plan is to start running again, but running like crazy. Now that I have no baby to be concerned about (September was a joke, I only ran 8.95 miles because I was paranoid.) I need to up my mileage.
I need things to focus on. I need to have a plan.

Do I try and get pregnant again? The thought of that is exhausting. It's so much work.

And yes, I realize that some people have much bigger problems. But there are so many people popping out healthy babies left and right and they don't even want to be a parent. We planned for this baby. We were trying. We wanted Neely to be around 3 years older and I wanted to be 32.
Now there is no way I'll be 32 and have a baby.
Ugh.

I'm sure the next blog will be more positive...I think I'm going through the stages of grief.

One more thing...I have no idea how to act. So, if you see me and I'm smiling and laughing please don't assume I am okay. I just have no idea how to be. And I have to be "up" around Neely because it isn't fair to her if I'm sad or down.
Just know that I'm taking it one minute at a time and also, I'm not someone who ever cries in front of people.

I just wish I was with my parents and best friend.

Somber.

This morning I had a doctor appointment. I was prepared to come back home and blog some really exciting news. We were over 8 weeks pregnant. I wanted to post the ultrasound picture and document our happiness.
Instead, we had an ultrasound and found that although my uterus is over 8 weeks big and there is a yolk sac inside, there was no baby. That means however long ago, for some reason the cells that created the baby stopped dividing. My body never got the memo.
So I still feel pregnant. I still am growing. There is no baby.
I just have to wait for my body to realize it's empty and then I will probably have to have another D&C.
It is heartbreaking.
This is my third miscarriage.
Never ever in my life did I think I would have THREE miscarriages.
I am having a very difficult time wrapping my head around this.
Especially because 2 weeks before we found out I was pregnant, Neely drew a picture. It was "Mama, Dada, Neely and the baby in your tummy." I can't understand why she would have known I was pregnant if it was just going to die.

My 32nd birthday is October 17th.
This is the absolute worst birthday gift I've ever received.

I know that this is a perfect opportunity for me to just trust God and put all of the things I've learned while reading One Thousand Gifts to a test, but I need time.
I need time to be angry (not with God, God is always good. Angry with the situation.) and all the meanwhile tell myself that God knows.
He knows.
He knows.
He knows.