Every year I do the same dance with my emotions.
Wildly ecstatic that fall has arrived, expectations for my birthday, longing to feel the first morning chill,
Falling down a hole, the air is cold and crisp, it taunts me. I long for warmth, I long for the sunshine.
I get sad.
Every single year.
It started back in these days.
I used to lay on my bed and stare out the window. I would hear wind, dogs barking, the last lawn mower starting up, and long for San Diego. I longed for anything else.
Then after the divorce I lived with my cousin. I basically lived alone. I made myself alone.
When fall came around I lay in my bed with my window open.
I was skeletal from not eating and I was trying to disappear.
I would feel the burning cold wash over my body and I wouldn't let myself cry.
Still. Just be still I reminded myself, over and over.
I began then a habit I still have.
I would lay as still as possible and allow life to wash over me.
The sadness, the fears, the hope.
This season Fall, and I are intertwined for all time. I was born in this season, I am this season.
This year I will not allow myself to fall as far as I usually do.
I will be still, observant to the glorious wonders that are earth, people, nature, God.
But I won't dip into the depression again.
I may have to reference these words once November arrives, but for now, October, I love you. I love you Fall. I love the icon on my screen that says it's 57 degrees outside at 8:45am.
I will live this one.