Dancing

I've been trying to function after being surrounded by this cuteness all day every day. Every time I pull myself together I look at her pure joy and the light radiating from her and I fall apart again. She is such a treasure.
This girl makes me fall in love with her moment after moment. She amazes me.

dancing along the beach

Dancing is a recurring theme in all videos and pictures of Neely. It's her number one favorite thing to do. I wonder if she will still love it as she grows older? I hope so!
Brett and I both came from extremely musical families that ironically didn't listen to much music while at home (and certainly no dancing...ever!) and we want to raise Neely with lots of music and even more dancing. We want our future family gatherings to be full of laughter and music and dancing. We want to change our family's culture.
I have noticed that for a lot of people, myself included, dancing is something that causes embarrassment. It's something that you're shy of, it's something that you claim you never do. And I have come to really resent that!
I love to dance. I love the happy feeling I get when moving my body to music, no matter how "white", uncoordinated, or silly I look.
And I think that when we were created we were created to dance. Most little kids if not all move their bodies to music when they hear it, on pure instinct.
I know that it's kind of weird to dance if you haven't danced for a long time, but do me a favor! Some time this week, turn on your favorite song (lock yourself in a room if you have to) and dance your heart out! I guarantee you will feel better!
(if you don't have a favorite song, the song in the video below is "Blame It On The Boogie" by The Jacksons and you can download it here. I highly recommend this song!)

My Mind

*I had this posted a few days ago...then I unpublished it. Now I'm posting it again.*

via

Sometimes I find myself drifting away.
I am often so steeped in my thoughts, my past, my longing to be born in another era, or my memories that I find it hard to connect with people.
I lack desire to try and I get bored easily.
I don't mean to be like that, I just am.
At times I am alarmingly anti-social.
Brett wishes I would go out more, hang out with girls, but it's tough.

My head is a balloon trying to act normal from several feet above my body and my heart is somewhere in 1943.
Deep inside I wish I had the ability to be a social butterfly. As a teenager it was a lot easier for me.
For some reason as I get older I draw into myself more and more.

I mentioned things like this to a doctor a couple months ago and she recommended counseling.
And I immediately rejected that idea.
I have been to counseling many many times in my life and it has been helpful on occasion but I know that this is not a time in which I need therapy.
This is part social phobia (nothing a little xanax now and then won't cure) and part my artist heart that is terrified of complete happiness.

If it doesn't make sense to you, you wouldn't understand.
All artists that I know feel the same way.
And if you have ever read biographies of any artist (writers, painters, musicians, etc.) most if not all
are slightly comfortable with sadness. Even if they claim the contrary, they usually stay in situations which make them sad or cause some turmoil.

Sadness makes art.
Most of my art has come from pain.
I used to breathe writing...I had a journal and pen connected to me at all times. When I started dating Brett I stopped writing. I didn't mean to, I just had nothing to be sad about anymore.

Kind of weird to think about if you've never felt that way but if you have, you know what I'm talking about.
So I am no longer sad in my life but my heart has to balance my situational happiness with causing me to desire other things. Like being alive in the 40's, being pen pals with my grandma still (I still sit down to write her and am shocked to realize she's gone.), living in a different country, etc.

At times it's difficult to separate myself from what's real and what isn't.
I played alone a lot as a kid and my imagination has always been my greatest friend/enemy.
I am thankful for the desire to create and for the loneliness I feel and for every positive/negative thing that I feel because of who I am.
I wouldn't want to be any other way.


(and I am eternally grateful for Brett and Neely. They both make me laugh and love harder than I ever imagined...every single day.)

Life & Social Skills

Neely turned two.
I didn't write a big flowery emotional post because I didn't feel it. With party planning and living life I haven't found the energy to write anything worth reading.
I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to type out a blog entry only to save it as a draft or delete it.
I just can't seem to muster the mental patience to sit and write.
I don't really think that blogging is my thing at the moment. I don't care if I have a lot of followers (the ones I have are the exact ones I want) and I don't want to put forth any effort in it.
Such a change from a month or two ago.
I am tired.
Also, I am trying to not be addicted to being online.
I keep taking Facebook off of my phone then putting it back on.
Today I removed most of my albums from public view. I just feel like Facebook is too invasive and also like I have been posting too many pictures on there.
I am going to keep my Instagram mostly separate from Facebook from now on.

A conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. That's why there are so few good conversations: due to scarcity, two intelligent talkers seldom meet.
Truman Capote

Another thing that has been plaguing me is lack of consideration in most people.
I was telling Brett last night that being socially graceful is not that hard. You ask people questions about themselves and, if they have social skills, they will in turn ask you about yourself. This is how you share ideas and, if necessary, problems. It's called a conversation.
Trouble is most people either don't care or don't realize that no one wants to listen to you talk about yourself for an hour. Plus, that's just plain rude. No one is that interesting.
So please, everyone, start caring about others.
Even if you're just talking to them online. It matters.
I think it would be cool if everyone can choose their 5 favorite people and this week make a huge effort in being interested and being deliberate in their friendships.
That's my plan at least.

Also, just be in the moment.
I think the word deliberate is exactly what I need written all over my house.
Deliberate in my mothering, loving Brett, cleaning, being a friend, eating and exercising.