Somber.

This morning I had a doctor appointment. I was prepared to come back home and blog some really exciting news. We were over 8 weeks pregnant. I wanted to post the ultrasound picture and document our happiness.
Instead, we had an ultrasound and found that although my uterus is over 8 weeks big and there is a yolk sac inside, there was no baby. That means however long ago, for some reason the cells that created the baby stopped dividing. My body never got the memo.
So I still feel pregnant. I still am growing. There is no baby.
I just have to wait for my body to realize it's empty and then I will probably have to have another D&C.
It is heartbreaking.
This is my third miscarriage.
Never ever in my life did I think I would have THREE miscarriages.
I am having a very difficult time wrapping my head around this.
Especially because 2 weeks before we found out I was pregnant, Neely drew a picture. It was "Mama, Dada, Neely and the baby in your tummy." I can't understand why she would have known I was pregnant if it was just going to die.

My 32nd birthday is October 17th.
This is the absolute worst birthday gift I've ever received.

I know that this is a perfect opportunity for me to just trust God and put all of the things I've learned while reading One Thousand Gifts to a test, but I need time.
I need time to be angry (not with God, God is always good. Angry with the situation.) and all the meanwhile tell myself that God knows.
He knows.
He knows.
He knows.